


Andrew x Everyone According to Carina

by BeaRyan



Category: Grey's Anatomy
Genre: Crack, F/F, F/M, Multi, just because it came out of freaking hammerspace doesn't mean it can't be canon, no sex on the page, this fucking show, undisclosed history of bisexuality, welcome to fan fic!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-18
Updated: 2018-05-18
Packaged: 2019-05-08 15:25:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,088
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14696985
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BeaRyan/pseuds/BeaRyan
Summary: WTF was that season finale even?  This is a rage/annoyance fic written after the Season 14 finale aired.  Crack. Snark at canon.  I can't even deal with the bigger bullshit in the episode so here's a story about Andrew's attempts to launch dumbass ships with no build up.





	Andrew x Everyone According to Carina

Andrew x Everyone According to Carina

I love my little brother, but he's a bit of a moron. I'm watching out for him today and watching him make a fool of himself, too. Oh, what a day.

First there was the kiss with Grey. She's not even a MILF. That's your American term? MILF Mother I'd like to? Yes, she's not one of those. She's a mother I guess I could if I needed someone to look at me like I'm stuck to their shoe. So he tried and he failed. No surprise.

He gave a shot at the interns, too. Oh Andrea! Dahlia is too religious. Casey is too into women. Helm is too into self-destruction and also women. It was like a terrible three bears. He even said to the one in the glasses "Do you have an unrevealed history of bisexuality?" Who does that? Even weirder, the little twerp pricked his finger, saw a drop of blood and passed out before he could answer. He's like a character in a bad story. 

From there Andrea stumbled towards the former Chief and the Mrs. Chief. I could do things to and with them, but I think she's out of Andrea's league. She giggled and I heard her call Andrea baby and say he could be her third husband. Then, if you can believe it, he looked at Richard. Richard said, "You already dated my daughter." Andrea said, "So there are some family lines that can't be crossed at this hospital?" I hauled him out of there before he could get fired. 

Andrea next headed for the bride and groom but I stopped him and reminded him that one shot him down and one beat him up. He said, "Maybe I'm into that." Maybe he is. An abuse kink would explain a lot about him and why he stays at this hospital. Still, if the couple didn't register for a threesome you shouldn't offer one on their wedding day. That's just good manners. 

I parked him in a chair and went to get a drink, because really I thought I'd earned one at this point. When I came back he was talking to Betty. It went like this: 

Andrea: How old are you?  
Betty: I've told people I'm 14.  
Andrea: But how old are you really?  
Betty: How old do you need me to be for this little side story to work?  
Andrea: 18, minimum.  
Betty: I'll be 18 on my next birthday.  
Andrea: Hit me up. Let's get awkward. 

I jumped in and pointed out that it's not her birthday yet and he came with me without protest. He started to swing towards Amelia and Owen, but they were cannodling and Owen has a history of being punchy. I can't allow Andrea to be hit. He has few remarkable traits and one of them is his face. It must be preserved at all costs. 

Maggie saw me struggling with my stupid brother and came over to sit with Andrea for a bit so I could have a break. I stepped away, but I eavesdropped because that's the kind of contrived thing that needs to happen for this story to work and ridiculous nonsense is the way of this world. This is what I heard:

Maggie: So how have you been? Are you over Sam? It's been what? A month? A year and a half?  
Andrew: Time is meaningless.  
Maggie: Agreed. I have no idea how long Jackson and I have been dating.

(At this point there was an awkward pause and Andrea stared at her like he was the dumped boyfriend in a rom com)

Maggie: Yeah, Jackson and I have been together for a while. Long enough for the sex to get boring.  
Andrew: Boring?  
Maggie: Yeah. Boring. Boring like his technique has been refined to please to a conservative Christian five years into marriage. The kind of woman who secretly dreams of ditching surgery for general practice and casserole mastery.  
Andrew: Have you tried to spice it up? The sex, I mean, not the casserole. You've got all the stuff in your lady place.  
Maggie: My lady place is my awkward name for my vagina that's completely out of step with all the banging in unlocked rooms that we did all over the hospital. Keep your facts straight, Andrew!  
Andrew: Sorry. Your sex drawer. Have you gotten out the stuff in your sex drawer?  
Maggie: I tried to wear the Gryffindor knee socks to bed and he totally shut me down. I didn't even ask him to wear the glasses. 

(At this point Jackson walks over to them like he doesn't even remember that Andrea and Maggie used to bang like carpenters and Andrea is currently maybe living with Jackson's lover/extended family member. Like magic, Andrea becomes sober enough that there are no consent issues but his verbal filter and impulse control is still broken. It can happen if you believe! Pretend I said that in a fake profound way like Oprah or disembodied Meredith. Now back to our story.) 

Andrew to Jackson: Maggie wants a little more freaky in your deaky. You've got to or your going to lose her.  
Maggie: *gasp* then she tried to say a bunch of things all at once and half of it was off topic.  
Jackson: *trying to be cool* It's OK. I went to an all boys boarding school. I've had a little freaky in my deaky before. If that's what you're into the three of us can get out of here. 

Maggie and Andrew traded a look like they'd just been told to take whatever they wanted from the candy store and then Maggie, Jackson and Andrew left together. I really would have thought my brother was a bottom, but maybe they're both switches. That would probably be best. It also would be good if Jackson has a spare bedroom where Andrew can live while they stare longingly at each other and ponder the special moments they've shared and might share again in the future. That would be a fresh, new story for Jackson. Not so much for Andrew. He does a lot of staring longingly and having inappropriate sex. 

Its an insanely abrupt happily ever after but I hope you enjoyed hearing this beautiful and realistic story about weddings and love because that was the alleged focus of this moment in time! Were there other people I should have focused on and given some sort of final attention? Ah well. No matter. Ciao!

**Author's Note:**

> Is it still considered rage quitting a show if you're just done being annoyed by it? Comments section is open and anon is allowed as long as it doesn't get too ragey. Vent away. (I also welcome compliments and kudos, but that's not really a focus of mine at the moment.)


End file.
